Well I know this may sound...well I am not sure what it may sound like...but reading this gives me hope. I am not certain of the alchemy...possibly it is just the urge to live enlightenment and the struggles of the body and the honesty in this endeavor you present us. Most don't want to get out of bed to feed the kids or go to a job they don't enjoy but while these may be on your list it isn't what is written first. It is the mat. And what does the mat represent to you? What is it a doorway into? You write how not going here- makes the whole structure rickety and in constant danger of collapse- but what does it give you? Why the attraction and the wrestling match? These are rhetorical questions from someone who knows the answers are not linear as words. They take me into the howl of life, the body and the source of my mystery. But that's me. Someone recently asked me if I found joy in my practices. It made me pause wondering if I had created room for this. I ended saying yes, joy is very much a part of who I am not what I find in the practice...the practice only removes the veils. And these veils are sometimes very sticky and hard to budge. They take time and support and emotion and hurt and what looks like the opposite of joy- suffering, doubt,self abuse of one sort or another...so it isn't as easy as whether the practice brings joy...that isn't the standard...but there is balance to recall. ANd when I heard my friend ask me this I smiled with a sudden inspiration, a memory of why I was doing all this inner work. It was good to be reminded. Joy. Love.Self.Peace.