Why do I find it so hard to get on my mat these days?

Partly because I feel that in some ways I use the discipline of the astanga practice to contain myself when I need to explode, to hold on when I need to let go and leap from the scaffolding. Because whereas the intention of the practice is to dismantle the structure of the ego, in some ways I use it to maintain my ego structure: I use my natural inclination towards self-discipline in the way I’ve most often used it – like anorexia – to hold myself together. And while this was necessary when I had no inherent sense of self, now it feels past its sell-by date. I don’t just have a sense of self now, but I’m cracking out of it. I need to explode.

And this is complex, because a spiritual practice isn’t anorexia, and I don’t practise in exactly the way that I was anorexic. So it’s not clear-cut. Still, it’s obvious to me that enlightenment has nothing to do with self-discipline. It’s the ego that gives points for 100,000 mantras and two hours on the mat. In this moment enlightenment would be for me the ultimate nuclear explosion: the big bang: the dance to end all dances, the howl that finally expends itself ... and then just floating, floating ... floating empty. But, of course, the big bang is also an image of creation, of new universes, not just destruction or ending.

In this moment, I like the image of the demolition squad better than the one of slow dismantling. I like the bulldozer better than the hammer and chisel. I like the bang and collapse better than the slow meticulous excavation. Dancing feels like the demolition squad. But, really, that isn’t so clear-cut either.